It's All the Rage

Anybody can become angry—that is easy,

but to be angry with the right person

and to the right degree

and at the right time

and for the right purpose,

and in the right way—

that is not within everybody’s power

and is not easy.

~ Aristotle

Laughing Men, Vancouver, B.C.

Picture it:  You’re stopped at a red light waiting for it to turn.  Green. You barely have time to lift your foot from the brake when the car behind you starts blaring the horn.  Maybe she’s trying to tell me something, you think.  Is something wrong with my car?  Stunned, you haven’t moved through the light yet when the driver in the car behind you approaches.  You roll down the window.  She starts screaming at you then punches you in the face.  In self-defense, you cover your face with your hands, but then she grabs your wrist and bites off your middle finger—at the knuckle, through the bone—before fleeing the scene.

Sounds crazy but it’s a true story that happened in my aunt’s Northern Virginia neighborhood.  Aside from the obvious questions, like what allows a person to bite through skin and bone and blood vessels to remove part of a finger?  And once bitten, what do you do with it?  Spit it out?  Throw it in the owner’s car?  Leave it in the street?  I have to ask:  Why are we so angry?

You’re better than that.

You’re not an angry person, not the fighting kind.  You’re a volunteer, your son’s baseball coach, a Sunday school teacher at church.  Just last month, you attended a community fundraising event and donated money to support a local homeless shelter.

And yet you have these moments where anger gets the better of you—where ugliness turns you inside out and the worst parts of your nature are revealed; moments when your frustration builds to a fury and explodes in ridiculous ways as you burn those around you with your annoyance. 

Like yesterday when you got stuck in the wrong line at Whole Foods.  You stopped on your way from work, in a hurry to get home and make dinner.  You only needed three things, which should have taken five minutes from door to door.  Instead, the woman from Minnesota in front of you decides to write a check for her groceries.  Slowly. And of course, the cashier couldn’t figure out how to enter an out of state check into the system, which led to multiple cries for help on the P.A. system that went unanswered, followed by more failed attempts to process the check.  You’re ashamed to admit it, but you were huffing and puffing and on the verge of throwing your money at the cashier and storming out with your groceries.

Then, as you’re headed home, there’s a guy driving slow in the pass lane, blocking the free flow of traffic.  As you try to pass him on the right, you see that he’s talking on his cell phone and completely oblivious to the fact that there are other people on the road.  You make a point to give him your best stink eye with your face just inches from your window, and nearly rear-end the car in front of you because you’re so blinded by your rage.  Now you’re laying on your horn, screaming some shameful obscenity that your offender can’t even hear and, which, in any other moment you wouldn’t dare speak.  What's wrong with you?  One look in the mirror and you would see the reflection of a crazy person.

The scary thing is—you’re not alone.  There are a lot of “you” out there.

Take a look around.  We’re all losing it over something or another.  Our anger boils over in our politics and religions, in our music and social networking, in our schools and sporting events, in our jobs.  We rage over inconveniences.  We shake our fists with righteous indignation when others don’t do what we want.  Why? 

Have we become a culture so entitled to comfort and ease that we steamroll anyone or anything that gets in our way?  Are we simply scared of not getting what we want, afraid that we can’t handle it if things don’t go our way?  Perhaps we’re so accustomed to expressing our feelings and anger that we can’t keep it in check anymore.  Or maybe we’re suffering from a spiritual starvation that demands to be fed yet we don’t even realize what we’re hungry for? 

Its not an easy question to answer.  For starters, there just aren’t any clear-cut ways to judge how pissed off people really are, and why.  Perhaps we can ponder this the next time we’re recovering from a meltdown.  I dare you.  It’s all the rage. 

IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND!

“Don’t Make Assumptions.

Find the courage to ask questions

and to express what you really want.

Communicate with others as clearly as you can

to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.

With just this one agreement, 

you can completely transform your life.

~ Miguel Angel Ruiz

As You Think (c) 2012

They stayed in the city that night instead of retuning home to the mountains, so they seized the opportunity to take a late night stroll through the neighborhood—past the restaurants and yoga studios, churches and schools; past the houses with lights on where people moved about the way they do before turning in for the night.

Thrilled to be out walking past 9 p.m. (something they rarely did in their mountain community), they walked slowly, hand-in-hand, savoring the night, as they moved comfortably between sound bites of their busy week and absolute silence.  Then it happened, one of those “Aha!” moments that brings understanding.  The exchange went something like this:

HE SAID:  You know, if we kept our place in the mountains and bought a house or condo in the city, we could go walking like this every night.

SHE SAID:  That would be fantastic!

HE SAID:  But once our child starts school we couldn’t do that.

SHE SAID:  Why not?  We could just go after dinner.

HE SAID:  No, that won’t work.  Once our kid starts school we won’t be able to do that!

SHE SAID (with growing frustration):  Well, why the heck not?  I mean, once the kid starts school he’ll be old enough to stay up past 7 p.m., so why couldn’t we just have an early dinner and go right after?

HE SAID (also with growing frustration):  What are you talking about?  Once the kid starts school it won’t even be an option!

SHE SAID (eyebrows cocked, hands on hips and evermore frustration):  What am I talking about?  What are YOU talking about?  It’s not like our kid has to go to bed at 5 p.m.—why couldn’t we just go after dinner?

HE SAID (voice raised, chest bowed and that tone he gets when he’s convinced he’s among idiots):  Once school starts we’re not going to be running back and forth like that just to go for a walk in the City!

They stopped in their tracks and looked at each other, their faces colored with a mix of amused irritation and a hint of understanding; something in their communiqué was amuck!

Turns out, she had assumed that if they had a second home in this lovely neighborhood that their child would attend the prestigious Academy, a charter school located right in the middle of the development, so there was no reason why they couldn’t make this walk every night after dinner if they chose to.  But she didn’t say that; not to him anyway; not out loud.

And it turns out that he had assumed that once the kid started school they would be staying at their mountain home during the week because that’s where he would be registered for school, in his home community.  But he didn’t explain any of that; not to her anyway; not out loud.

But the real kicker is that this “child” they spoke of, the one whose schooling would prevent these fabulous evening walks through the city—completely fictitious; an unborn idea between an unmarried couple dreaming out loud about the future.

All the while, she thought he was being uptight about their child’s bedtime and he thought she had gone mad thinking they would be driving up and down the mountain to accommodate a late night city stroll, neither making any sense to the other at all.  But as the hole in their communication cleverly revealed itself, real magic happened.  There, in the gap, they saw the unspoken assumptions that had led them down this path of confusion.  They laughed so hard it hurt!

Thing is, so much of our experience of life takes place in our heads!  Sure, we move about in our day-to-day existence, grounded in the physical.  Yet whole worlds exist up there in the space between, real or imagined—for good or ill—and our perception of the world and the people in it and what’s going on around us all come from that place; including our disappointments about the way things “ought to be,” which points the finger of our personal suffering right back at us!

We make assumptions and then we make assumptions about those assumptions—assuming others are operating with the same understanding—many of which are flawed and which, in oft surprising ways, trigger our emotional experience and inflame our hotspots.  Next thing you know, you find yourself in that heated debate over why you can or can’t take an evening walk in the city after dinner with your unborn child because of where he’ll go to school!

Fascinating and a little bit scary when you consider that on some level we’re all doing this—experiencing the world around us in our heads—which may or may not produce an accurate picture of what’s really going on.  The key, I think, is to ask questions.  

When we make clarity and truth a priority in our lives, it allows us to acknowledge when we don’t understand something, to ask for confirmation, without getting all tangled up in the ego's need to be right.  And as our young couple learned, when we seek to bridge those communication gaps rather than assume another’s intent when we feel confused or offended, real magic awaits.  The only dumb questions are those not asked, so go ahead, give it a go.  You'll be surprised at the outcome and, who knows, you might just have a good laugh! 

FALLING IN LOVE ROCKS!

Even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. 

Even as he is for your growth 

so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and 

caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, 

So shall he descend to your roots

and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. 

He threshes you to make you naked. 

He sifts you to free you from your husks. 

He grinds you to whiteness. 

He kneads you until you are pliant; 

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, 

that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All of these things shall love do unto you 

that you may know the secrets of your heart, 

and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

"Falling in Love Rocks!"
Roadside, Boulder Canyon.
(c) 2012 Melissa Johnson.

Last year while visiting my family in Virginia, my sweetheart and I had an opportunity to spend the afternoon in my grandfather’s basement. A mixture of Salvation Army this-and-thats, tools, books and World War II memorabilia, you didn’t have to know him to see his reflection in that downstairs room.  We spent hours rummaging through his things, speculating about what drew him to one item or another, as we shared tales of a life well lived. 

Then we found it, there in a drawer; his military issue handgun.  Not surprising given Grandpa’s affinity for antique military weaponry, but there just under the clear coat handle was a gorgeous, flirty photo of my Grandmother on one side, and a picture of the two of them lip-locked on the other.  I couldn’t take my eyes off the thing, transfixed by the paradox: Images of a life-enhancing love permanently affixed to a weapon of death and destruction.  Why?

“Don’t you see?” Kevin said, holding the gun in the palm of his hand.  “It’s a statement about his love.”  I still didn’t get it.  “Think about it…what did he live for?  What would he die for?  What would he defend?” 

I never really understood that kind of love until that moment.  I had dreamt of it, longed for it, read every relationship self-help book on the market and tried to convince myself that I'd found it, with no lasting effect.  But there in the basement, sharing that quiet moment, I got it. I knew that I would walk the line for him and I had no doubt he would do the same for me.  He already had. 

Our path has not been easy, especially in the beginning as we faced challenges that rocked us to the core, but our love has grown through the cracks of early disappointment.  Instead of running away we held fast to each other, strengthened by our shared experience of that which we couldn’t explain.  These became our building blocks; the foundation of our life together.  

We're planning a New Year's Eve wedding this year, a black tie affair with family and friends. I couldn't be more thrilled!  And as I reflect on how we got here from there, I am reminded that even when enduring our greatest struggles, being together has been mostly easy. Like falling rocks, we hit the ground and break apart sometimes but our pieces grow stronger and we become more of who we are. Not for the faint of heart.

CAUTION:  Falling in love rocks! 

You're So Critical!

Any problem, big or small...

always seems to start with bad communication.

Someone isn't listening.

~Emma Thompson

Sohbet (c) MJohnson 2011.

“You’re so critical!” he said to her, driving home from dinner that night. It was a moment—just words—that could have derailed their evening together had she assumed the worst. But she wanted to understand him; she always wanted to understand, so she asked, “What do you mean?” Then she listened.

Turns out, he meant that she was critical to him, to their relationship, to their peaceful life together. A very different “critical” than she had at first imagined.

An example so simple but so profound, with the power to shift our understanding of the way we communicate and perceive each other. Yet how often do we nearly kill ourselves jumping to conclusions?

I’ve seen it in friendships and partnerships; in the boardroom, the bedroom and in the courtroom. I’ve done it—selectively listened and assumed the worst—and I’ve watched with horrified amazement as others have done it too. I’ve witnessed folks come together for the right reasons and with the best intentions only to walk away from their common cause because what they heard and focused on was how far apart they were instead of how very closely aligned their interests had become.

There have been missed opportunities, hurt feelings, lawsuits, and, yes, even wars over the way we communicate and respond to crisis. We’ve ruined perfectly good times with loved ones because we’re so busy making assumptions about what they did or said or meant rather than assuming the best of their intentions and bridging the gap between our hearts. Misunderstandings have escalated into full-blown battles because we’re caught and entangled in our comforting but destructive habit of choosing to be offended.

But we’ve also created thriving businesses, communities, relationships and families through our conscious communications. We’ve expressed love, hurt, excitement and joy, and we’ve shared our plans and desires as others have heard us and responded in kind. What a relief to be heard and understood!

Sufi mystics describe this connection as “sohbet.” Though a bit difficult to translate in English, this word—pronounced “so-bet”—speaks of a different kind of conversation. It involves deep listening between the heart and spirit. It refers to a way of communication that is more than just words; it is, in essence, the transmission of one’s heart to another in conversation. But it’s even more than that, for true sohbet encompasses the many silent conversations taking place each moment between every living thing in the cosmos, and it is believed that those with ears attuned to the inner heart can hear these subtle exchanges.

True sohbets can be so powerful that those involved can bring about incredibly deep understanding in a very short period of time, much quicker than prayer and meditation alone. So significant is this to our highest way of being in the world that most every spiritual tradition describes a version of this “great listening”—Christians, Hindus, Muslims, Buddhists, and many Native Traditions—where we are encouraged to listen deeply and respond with the whole heart. And though many speak of listening to Spirit as the highest directive, this wisdom translates well into our relationships. Imagine what we could accomplish if we brought this practice to our business and personal affairs!

But to reach the level of sohbet, we have to put away our cell phones and laptops, video games and DVDs, turn off the television and tune into each other—eye to eye—and really connect with the truth of the heart and all that it reveals. That’s where the magic happens.

So as we move into this magical holiday season, giving thanks for all that is, why not give the gift of sohbet.  Be that person who seeks to understand before demanding to be understood, and there in that space discover the truth of just how critical you are.

Straight From the Heart

The heart of the wise instructs his mouth

and adds persuasiveness to his lips.

(Proverbs 16:23)



Imagine that for one week your conversations with others were secretly recorded in high-definition video; then, later, you were led into a viewing room with surround sound where you were forced to bear witness to yourself. At the end of the day, how would you feel? Relaxed and understood? Impressed with your stellar communication skills? Troubled by the way you come across? Embarrassed? Ashamed? Misunderstood?

Your words are a very good indication

of what is going on in your heart.

~Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

An interesting point to ponder, I think, as we make our way through the day-to-day world of relationships where communication is everything. For there’s no doubt that the way we communicate opens a window to our soul for all to see, an idea reinforced in his book “Love and Respect for a Lifetime,” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

The good news is that we're not stuck! Unlike our height or the color of our eyes, we can make conscious and gradual changes in the way that we relate to each other and up our happiness quotient in the process. Whether we find ourselves in constant conflict with others wondering why we’re so misunderstood or we simply want to sharpen our skills, with a commitment to clear communication, peaceful resolution of conflict, and a few simple tricks of the trade, we can transform the way we express ourselves.

In his companion guide for couples, Dr. Eggerichs takes a closer look at what it means to “love and respect” and the deeper yearnings of the heart. He says:

“Men and women both need love

and both need respect.

But the cry from a woman’s deepest soul

is to be loved

and the cry from a man’s deepest soul

is to be respected.”

From there he distinguishes the crucial differences between men and women and the way we love and communicate with each other. Perhaps “love your wife” and “respect your husband” makes you bristle with inequality. I admit to a bit of bristling myself as I read these words. In fact, that verse in the Bible (Ephesians 5:33) always felt to me like it was written by men for the benefit of men. But getting behind the words and understanding the deeper meaning of what “respect” looks and feels like to a man and what makes a woman feel “love” is a necessary step in getting the love we want.

“No matter what your struggle—

criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words—

learning to communicate the Love and Respect way

can help you make crucial changes…”

~Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

“Love and Respect for a Lifetime” is a quick read and makes for a thought-provoking bedside or coffee-table guide for reflection. Blending related scripture with everyday tips for heart-felt communication, it is a gentle yet effective reminder to be mindful of how we express our truth, with suggestions for making our relationships better.

And while this book was borne from Dr. Eggerichs’ work as a pastor and couples counselor as an inspirational guide for improving and sustaining marriage relationships, I suggest that there is wisdom within its pages for us all; for understanding what motivates others is an important tool in reaching across the table and communicating with anyone—friends, colleagues and lovers alike.

And for my loyal readers a special Valentine’s Day treat—I am giving away a copy of Dr. Eggerichs’ new book. Simply post a comment to this blog entry with your favorite tip or technique for heart-centered communication (or send me an e-mail at melissajesq@gmail.com) and have your name entered in the drawing for a chance to win! (Please make sure I have contact information for you in case you’re the winner.) The drawing will take place on Monday, February 14, 2011.

As we celebrate this month of love, I wish you all clear communiqués, heart-centered connections and peaceful relations.

Monkey Business

Everything

in this world

has a hidden meaning.

Men, animals, trees, stars,

they are all hieroglyphics.

~Nikos Kazantzakis

Monkey Business (c) MJohnson.

I was never one to carry around a camera, and I never really understood those who did.  I mean, why not live the moment instead of trying to freeze it in time?

Even when traveling abroad, I carried a cheap digital camera, at best; sometimes, a plastic, disposable one, feeling obligated to return with proof of my journey.  Often the pictures were grainy or out of focus, and sometimes the subject was so far away that, when printed, the photo made no sense.  Just so, good camera equipment seemed to me yet another thing to keep up with on my mission to travel light.  Besides, how could a one-dimensional photograph ever capture the magic and beauty of my multi-dimensional experience?  At least that's what I thought . . .

Then a fabulous holiday in Bali and a little monkey business changed everything…

Monkey Business (c) MJohnson.

They came from the Ayung River Valley--from behind bushes, swinging from trees--wild monkeys running toward me from the dense tropical vegetation surrounding my mountain villa.  One-by-one they came, more than a dozen in the clan, and as they played on the terrace railing I photographed them.

My friend called me the Monkey Counsel.  He said they came to tell me of their endangered habitat and share with me their monkey ways.  I think he was right. 

I dared not feed them, but I welcomed them with sincerity and a pledge of non-violence.  I talked to them like any old friend, watching their gestures and listening to their chatter; trying to intuit what they might be saying.  We were very different but we understood each other well.  They reminded me to play, which I did; and they stayed, greeting me each morning as I read the paper on the terrace and again in the evening when I returned from a day of exploring.  We definitely had some moments—me and those monkeys--that fed my zoological curiosity and forever changed my mind about photography. 

Soon after, I began to rearrange my life.  I relocated to the mountains of Colorado.  I invested in some quality equipment, including a professional camera with an extra-zoomy lens.  I studied art and photography.  I read voraciously on issues of human rights and wildlife conservation.  I started working with animal and human rights groups dedicated to finding global solutions.  And as I learned the art of Animal Speak, they all came out to play.

Before long, I found myself engaging in paparazzi-like behavior as I followed my new friends around in the yard; hiding behind big Spruce trees, lying in wait behind rock outcroppings, patiently surveying the land at dusk and dawn, all in the name of the ungettable-photo-get.  (Don't try this at home kids.) 

Who knew that I would share this land with so many amazing four-legged and winged friends?  I love my neighbors.  They are patient, fascinating creatures, and they teach me the secrets of the land.

For instance, a visit from bear reminds us to call on our powers of introspection to help bring balance to our lives, drawing on bear’s most noted habit of hibernation.  Coyote lurking about can signal the ways in which we may be tricking ourselves or others, or herald the arrival of unwelcome news.  Rabbit hopping across our path encourages expression of our creativity or speaks to the fears we carry with us through life, reflecting her most paradoxical characteristics of abundant creator and fearful animal of prey.  Hummingbird reminds us to drink in the sweet nectar of life.

Our Native Ancestors call this “animal medicine,” encouraging us to look at the very qualities, habits and characteristics of an animal from which we may draw strength and wisdom, for there we find great lessons on how to harmonize our world.

  

And it was through this lens that I looked for bobcat’s wisdom when she came round a couple of weeks ago.  There I was in my bedroom trying on suits, hoping to pull together a polished look for an important meeting the next day, when this mysterious beauty caught my eye.  She was sitting on the top step just outside the French doors leading from my bedroom to the back yard. 

Slowly, I approached, moving towards her like a cat so as not to startle or chase her away.  And there I laid belly down, with my face just inches from the glass.  She looked at me, then moved closer, touching her little bobcat nose to the door.  I couldn’t believe my eyes, but there she was.  And when she crawled onto a neighboring rock and lounged, crossing her paws all lady-like, I watched with anticipation for what might happen next.

Minutes later, she rose slowly from the rock, looking in the grass below, and pounced with precision, returning to the top step with a furry little four-legged treat, which she ate in three bites while looking at me through the glass door.

Whatever else she may symbolize, I viewed it as a message of encouragement and a reminder to be patient with my process of change.  Fear and immaturity will not serve me now.  Rather, I need to be in it for the long haul and persevere in my efforts to forge this new path—one where I seek to blend my business and legal interests with my passion for creativity, philanthropy and value-driven social change.  No small task, to be sure.  But this bobcat reminded me to slow down, look carefully and then move with confidence.

Looking back, my life is very different now than when I first began my career.  Today, I’m a different kind of lawyer, finding inspiration in both man’s law and in the universal wisdom left behind in the delicate footprints of nature.  And to think it all started with this monkey business . . . animal medicine, indeed.

Secrets of the Land

SECRETS OF THE LAND (Bonus Version) by Melissa E Johnson | 

What would our four-legged and winged friends say to us if they could speak?  Or consider the wisdom of a flower, rock, tree, or waterway.  They all have secrets to share, inherent in their nature, and I bring them to you now in this unique collection of wildlife portraiture, storytelling and botanical beauty.  With more than 130 wild images and musings of my natural curiosity, “Secrets of the Land” will delight and inspire nature lovers and wildlife enthusiasts of all ages.   

This is a large coffee-table-style-photography-book.  It makes a great conversation piece and fabulous gift!  

And a portion of all sales proceeds will be donated to various wildlife conservation and rescue organizations in the U.S. and abroad.

Calling All Bears...

When a pine needle falls in the forest,

the eagle sees it; the deer hears it,

and the bear smells it.

~Old First Nations Saying

To our four-legged, woolly bear friends,

We owe you an apology. Truly, we’re sorry. Please forgive us for forgetting that you will always do what is in your nature to do. In our negligence, we have endangered your very survival.

You see, in our effort to be organized and keep our space clean, sometimes we put our trash outside the night before a scheduled pick-up, rather than waiting until the morning of. And sometimes, in our laziness, we dump leftovers in the trash and leave our bags by the door with every good intention of taking it to the dump or putting it in a trash can the next time we go out to the garage. Then we forget.

But in forgetting, we have forgotten you . . . we have forgotten that you are waking from your winter slumber, hungry, in search of food. And we have forgotten that you, like us, often take the path of least resistance—why forage for berries, fruit and nuts when a fabulous dining extravaganza is laid before you in a Hefty cinch-sack?

And in our love of nature—in our desire to attract and visit with our winged friends—we put out our bird feeders, hanging low from trees, filled to the brim with delicious seeds and sugary-sweet nectar, without considering what a challenge it is for you to turn away from that which you most desire. Willpower is not your strong suit.

Yet we unknowingly reward you for fearlessly exploring human places, turning our bird feeders into bear feeders and giving you a false sense of security around humans; a deadly lesson for you indeed, leaving you vulnerable and exposed to human conflict; at worst—euthanasia.

As with many life lessons hindsight is our great teacher. Now we know that if we change certain aspects of our behavior, with you, our bear friends, in mind, we will help reduce human-to-bear conflict and possibly save your lives.

So from now on, we promise you this:

Never again will we forget how very smart, curious, and resourceful you are, the way you follow your sensitive noses—smelling food five miles away—returning again and again to lucrative food sources.

From mid-March through early November, we will commune with our winged friends in less intrusive ways. We know that it’s best not to feed the birds when you’re out and about but, if we do, we promise to bring in our feeders at night—before sundown—or hang them at least ten feet out of your reach. And we promise to be vigilant in our clean-up efforts, keeping the area beneath our feeders clear of debris.

We promise always—ALWAYS—to remember these four rules of trash storage:  (1) Store trash in air-tight containers; (2) Set out trash on the morning of pick-up only; (3) Wash all disposable food containers with soap and water; and (4) Periodically wash-out our air-tight trash cans with a solution of bleach or ammonia and water.

We know you’re tempted by smells—that’s why it’s better that we freeze our smelly food trash and put it in the garbage on the morning of pick-up—but, hey, we’re human and sometimes we get busy or forget. We acknowledge that any action to protect you—even if not perfect—is better than no action at all. So at a minimum we pledge to set out our trash on the morning of pick-up only, having washed our disposable food containers and stored trash in air-tight, bear-proof cans.

And we promise not to tempt you with anything that has an odor (food, beverages, scented candles, air fresheners and toiletries)—keeping our bear-accessible doors and windows in our homes and vehicles closed—even when we’re hanging out at home.

The mountains have always been here

and in them the bears.

~Rick Baas, from The Lost Grizzlies

It’s a challenge to stay one step ahead of you, but we know it’s our responsibility. You are our mountain neighbors, and you were here first—long before the first pioneers arrived. And our human behavior determines your fate. As they say up here on the mountain, “A fed bear is a dead bear.”

We know that if you exhibit aggressive bear behavior because you’re a bit too comfortable in human places—breaking into our homes, attacking people or lingering in our school yards—you will be considered a threat and you will be killed.  And we’ll have your blood on our hands.

So please take your cue:  If we should encounter you face-to-face in all your bear glory, hanging round our homes or campsites, we promise to scare you away—clapping our hands, blowing a whistle, yelling, or banging on pots and pans—not because we don’t like you, but to preserve your people-wary nature and save your life.  Please don't be offended ... just run along and get back to your hunting and foraging ways.  And we’ll do our part to keep you safe.

This is our promise to you.

With much love,

Your Two-Legged Friends

____________________________________________

To take the “Keep Bears Wild Pledge,” or to speak to a Bear Aware Volunteer, contact the Colorado Division of Wildlife, Denver office, at (303) 297-1192. Learn how to bear-proof your home by visiting www.wildlife.state.co.us/bears or www.state.co.us/bears. Or look for similar programs in your state. Educate yourself.  Protect our wildlife.

All photos and content © 2008-2010 by Melissa Johnson. For e-mail subscribers, if you’re having problems viewing this article and photos, click here HEART LAW to link to the blog home page. Thanks for reading!

Say What? The Law of Communication

Let it out

Let it free

Let it all unravel

Let it out and it can be

A path on which to travel.

~Leunig, Misquoting Michael

In the first round of presidential debates between Senators McCain and Obama, the issue was raised about whether it was prudent to meet with world leaders without “preconditions,” particularly when those individuals or countries oppose us or threaten destruction of our allies.

Senator McCain insisted that any such meeting be conducted with preconditions, so as not to endorse their ugly propaganda; ridiculing Senator Obama for being naïve in his willingness to sit down with Iranian leaders without such conditions in place.

Senator Obama, on the other hand, offered the idea of tough, direct Presidential diplomacy when it came to exploring contacts with other nations, even “rouge nations” like Iran. He said, “Now, understand what this means "without preconditions." It doesn't mean that you invite them over for tea one day. What it means is that we don't do what we've been doing, which is to say, "Until you agree to do exactly what we say, we won't have direct contacts with you. . . the idea is that we do not expect to solve every problem before we initiate talks." (For an exact transcript of this part of the debate, please go to www.digitaljournal.com/article/260395.)

Now, my point is not to debate the politics of the day; but this issue of communicating with “preconditions” really makes me think: How often in life do we attempt to communicate with our own set of conditions?

In our personal and business relationships, do we shut people out—or refuse to talk to them altogether—when they disagree with our point of view or don’t give us what we want? Or do we approach others in the spirit of information gathering, seeking first to understand before demanding that we be understood?

How often do we refuse to discuss a particular subject with a loved one or friend because our feelings are hurt, or somehow we feel rejected by something they’ve said or done—or haven’t said or done—in effect, manipulating through emotional blackmail that says, “Until you do what I think you should do, or think like I think, or until you acknowledge that I am right, I’m not talking to you. And by the way, I’m not going to tell you why I’m mad in the first place; you should know!” Does any of this sound familiar?

Meaningful relationships aren’t borne of dictatorships. Rather, bonds are formed and strengthened through effective communication with others, which comes, in part, from our ability to understand where the other person is coming from—why they do what they do, or think what they think. It doesn’t mean that we have to agree with them, for agreement and understanding are two entirely different things.

True understanding comes with the free exchange of thoughts, ideas, and information—when we’re open to hearing their truth, not just our own—without limiting that exchange by imposing our conditions on the other person. When we let ourselves explore through open communication, to our delight and surprise, sometimes we just might find that one or the other or both of us have been operating under false assumptions, which have colored our perceptions and tainted our views of each other. With such discoveries come great opportunities for change, enabling us to make constructive adjustments in our relationships and move forward in the direction of peace.

To create and strengthen our relationships, solve problems and overcome challenges, it is imperative that we develop our skills as communicators--making ourselves available to each other by listening and responding with the whole heart. How can we ever hope to connect with each other if we shut down or refuse to talk? Then what chance do we have of getting what we want or bridging the gap between our hearts?

I recall trying to initiate a conversation with a person who was very angry and perhaps felt that he had been wronged, though I wasn’t sure why. My attempt to communicate with him was an effort to understand, and to put this lingering, unnamed conflict to rest. I began with a simple question: “Why are you so angry? I want to understand.”

His response was sudden and swift, shooting daggers at me with his eyes while saying, “I’m not talking to you about this.” Then he turned away, ignoring me as if I wasn’t even there. End of story. There would be no discussion. While he may have acted out of his own fear and internal discord, which I can empathize with to a degree, his behavior destroyed the last bit of trust I had in his ability to act with integrity toward me; the last bit of trust I had in the purity of his intentions.

When trust is lost we cannot feel safe to let down our guard with another and speak openly about our issues; we’re too busy protecting ourselves. Then the ego steps in, posturing and finger-pointing, looking for affirmation that we are right and they are wrong; blaming each other for our own shortcomings. In this place, we have no hope for meaningful communication. And without that, there can be no compassion, which is the cornerstone of all true human understanding.

This is but one example of the way that we impose our "pre-conditions" on others; the way that we demonstrate to them through our actions that we’re holding all of the cards: That we'll talk to them and show love and kindness to them if and only if they don’t irritate us, make us angry or say the wrong thing. We’ll talk to them when and if we’re ready, with little thought or concern for their desire for clarity or willingness to listen and understand. Then, when we do talk to them, we put our energy into defending our position, convincing them that the responsibility for all that’s wrong between us rests squarely on their shoulders. This gets us nowhere, and does little (if anything) to improve our relationships and build trust with others.

We’ve all done it at some time, in some way, to greater or lesser degrees. We may be locked in this pattern now. But, remember, without meaningful dialogue we will never get to the root of the problem; and when we can’t get to the root, we cannot possibly understand what’s motivating those we’re in conflict with, much less solve the underlying problem. Instead, the ego will continue to play out its dramas albeit on different stages, with different characters—ever-more angry and misunderstood—never reaching common ground.

True, there may be times when setting boundaries and conditions to our communication may be in order; for instance, when we need to have a crucial conversation with someone who has been emotionally or physically abusive to us. We might say, “I will talk with you only if you’re not drinking;” or “. . . if you don’t threaten me;” or “. . . after you've entered therapy.”

Being open to communication does not mean that we must put ourselves in harm's way in order to understand the other person. But beyond these basic self-protections, if we—or the other person—continually block or sabotage communication, we must ask ourselves: Do we really want to work it out? Do we really want to move toward better relations? What are we committed to--being right or getting real and creating a peaceful life?

What about you? Do you have preconditions to open communication in your life?