What If . . .

There isn’t enough room

in your mind

for worry and faith.

You must decide

which will live there.

(unknown)

Tortured - MHopkins - Trim Castle, Ireland © 2014

I passed a neighborhood church with a sign that read:  “Worry is the dark room where negatives develop.”  Something in its message resonated to my core, not because I’m a worrier by nature but because, when I do, the train of “what if’s” can carry me to a dark and fearful place in a flash.  It’s not logical.

Like one of my students who, after nearly making herself sick with worry, suffering from insomnia and a whole host of physical symptoms that mirrored her chaotic mental state, confessed that she was worried that if she didn’t do well on the LSAT she would never be able to buy her own home.  What?  Let’s unravel that thought process; break it down for me.  I insisted.  She explained that if she didn’t rock the LSAT then she wouldn’t get into law school.  If she didn’t make it to law school she would never realize her dream of being a lawyer.  If not a lawyer, she wouldn’t make enough money to support a mortgage payment.  In a world full of homeowners who are not lawyers, it was easy to see the fault in her logic.  But it wasn’t logic that cast such a dark shadow on her thoughts. 

It reminds me of the parable about the young business man traveling along an unfamiliar road in rural America when he was stopped by a flat tire.  He couldn’t find a jack in his rental car, and it was impossible to change a tire without a jack, so he set off on foot for the closest home or business where he might ask to borrow a jack or at least a phone to call for help since his cell phone didn't have service.  As he walked, he imagined his conversation with the homeowner ending in rejection.  “No I don’t have a jack.”  “No you can’t use my phone.” And so on.  At one point, he even had an argument with the man he had yet to meet who had yet to refuse him help.  By the time he arrived at the nearest house and knocked on the door, he was so bent with anger and frustration that when the homeowner opened the door he screamed, “Never mind!” and walked away in search of someone who would help.

Worry, at best, is a misuse of the imagination!  At worst, it is the shackle that keeps us trapped in self-doubt and defeat.  Either you have some control over the situation or you don’t.  If you don’t, all the worrying in the world won’t make it so.  So next time you find yourself chasing that parade of horribles, ponder this:  What if all went pleasingly well?  What if you realized your greatest success? What if most of the things you’re worrying about never happen? 

What if…

Stepping Into the Future

The future is something which everyone reaches

at the rate of sixty minutes an hour,

whatever he does,

whoever he is.

~C.S. Lewis

Mooghaun Hillfort - Dromoland, Ireland
(MHopkins 2013)

People speak of “putting the past behind us”.  But where else can the past be put?  It has only one place it belongs and, once there, can only be a reference point for the future.  Yet we make it a part of our present by clinging so tightly to our experience.  We go round and round in our heads, remembering some conversation, slight or injustice, real or imagined, and we stay stuck in that feedback loop reliving it again and again, often exaggerated and out of context because now we’re focused on some isolated aspect of our otherwise fading memory, giving it life, meaning and a whole host of expressions that perhaps never were.   Imagine what we miss while running around the same tired circles!

Can you see it?  How clinging to an aspect of our past might prevent us from seizing something wonderful that is available to us in the here and now?  Consider this: 

A new form of clinical psychology known as acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) stems from the understanding that a great deal of our psychological pain comes not so much from the experience itself, but from the words we use over and over to describe our experience.  Instead of getting stuck in our heads and avoiding any real forward movement, ACT encourages acceptance of the situation, conscious choice of direction and action, bringing more meaning and psychological flexibility into our lives in the process.

In his book Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, author and ACT co-founder, Steven Hayes, suggests that we can actually repeat a troubling word or concept over and over until it loses meaning and power in our lives.  Take the word grass, for instance.  Hayes recommends repeating the word over and over for 49 seconds.  Grass, grass, grass, grass, grass, grass…  The theory is that at some point, your mind will stop associating ‘grass’ with the luscious green stuff and observe it as a meaningless noise.  This disconnect between words and reality will allow us to drop those mind movies that have been tormenting us.  Why not give it a go,  beginning with ‘grass’ or some other word of your choosing and then moving on to the more emotionally charged descriptors that unnerve you, like ‘rejection’ or ‘failure’ or ‘broke,’ or any other parade of horrible that you can conjure.  The idea is to rub out the sting these words carry so that you can deal with life free from the fear created by your internal dialogue from the past.  Sound feasible? 

Diagnosis, they say, is half the cure.  But we’re best careful with how we use our diagnosis lest it becomes the story we tell about our life, the reason for why we can’t have or be or do what we want.  For just as understanding the root of our problem paves the way for setting it right, so too can it provide a ready excuse for not living our best life.

Is there something that you’re ready to put down, let go of, and leave behind?  Are you ready to reach for something new and make it real in your life?  As you move into a great new year, now is a perfectly fine opportunity to trade what torments for something more solid and real so that it becomes part of your future.

Wishing you all the best in 2014!

What Are We So Afraid Of?

Fear is the cheapest room in the house.

I would like to see you living in better conditions.

~ Hafiz

Along Came A Spider.

A few weeks ago while working my volunteer shift at Children’s Hospital Colorado, I received a special request to sit with a little girl in one of the  9th floor rooms.  Her parents were working and couldn’t be there; she had been alone for most of the day.

From the minute I sat down in that rocking chair, she curled her little body into mine and looked up at me with those big eyes that seemed to say, “what now?”  I suppose it didn’t matter because she already had what she most wanted in that moment—human touch can heal in ways that medicine can’t—and so I searched my repertoire for anything that might entertain and amuse.

I sang a few songs (amusing); recited some limericks (entertaining), and then I came upon Little Miss Muffet floating around up there in my memory bank.  Remember that old nursery rhyme?

Little Miss Muffet

Sat on a tuffet,

Eating her curds and whey;

Along came a spider,

Who sat down beside her

And frightened Miss Muffet away

~ Songs for the Nursery (1805)

I’ve known this rhyme for years, but as the words formed on my lips, for the first time, I thought about the implications.  The spider merely sat down beside her and it frightened her away.  Really?  Arachnophobia aside, are we that easily scared of possibility? 

It made me think about the way we all carry fear in our hearts of some kind--real or imagined--for things that may never come to pass, yet in everyday ways we let those fears direct our course.   Like when we withhold our opinions for fear of rocking the boat; or stick with something or someone that may not be best for our lives because we’re afraid of change; or when we choose not to try something new because we might not like it.  But what if we loved it?  What if it changed our lives in amazing and unforeseen ways?  What if that spider became Miss Muffet’s best friend and side-kick?

I once read that lurking behind every fear is an all-pervasive thought of “I can’t handle it.”  Yet we’re so much stronger than we think--we CAN handle it--and sometimes by facing into our fears instead of running from them or avoiding, we learn more about ourselves and what we’re capable of doing, creating, becoming.

What are we so afraid of? 

STOP THE MADNESS!

7 Steps to Eliminate Manufactured Fear

1. Reality Check. When consumed with fearful thoughts, ask yourself: is this thought constructive or is it of the "worst case scenario" variety? Sometimes playing the "what if" game can be a helpful tool in forward thinking; but, remember: true intuitive messages are constructive, offering direction and guidance, and do not appear in the form of never-ending, run-on dialogue in your head. Terrifying, debilitating thoughts, or those that encourage you to do something harmful, either come from manufactured fear or psychosis (i.e., think Son of Sam). If the latter, please seek medical attention--immediately!

2. Don't be a "Debbie Downer." Saturday Night Live does a crazy skit with a character called “Debbie Downer.” In each skit, Debbie is hanging out with a group of friends or at a social gathering and someone in the group will say something like, “Yeah, I ran 5 miles this morning. It was so hot that I drank 6 bottles of water!” Then Debbie chimes in, “Did you know that bottled water killed 10 million people last year . . .” As the camera zooms in on her depressive face, you hear this sound bite of trepidation and doom. Distance yourself from the rumor mill. People LOVE drama--entire industries are built on it—and they love to repeat as fact things that sound alarming but which may or may not be true. Sure, educate yourself but keep it in perspective! Refuse to participate in the fear-based chatter and drama going on around you.

3. Pull your own strings. Be selective about what you read or watch on T.V. If you are a news junkie, give yourself the gift of intervention. Don't worry--you're not going to fall into the abyss of the uninformed if you skip stories of terror and disaster. And if you can't bear to sever your ties to the news, then find a way to keep it in perspective. Remember, disaster sells. Refuse to manipulate or be manipulated by fear.

4. Be an observer, not a reactor. When you hear disheartening news and you're tempted to engage the fear, pull back and take an aerial view of society. Recognize fear-based patterns in human nature and don't go there; distinguish yourself from the masses. Learn to view world events with discernment.

5. Get to the root. Examine your deepest-held beliefs about what or who God is. Ask yourself some hard questions: Do you really believe that you are being punished by a vengeful God because you are an evil sinner? Why? Are there other possible explanations for why bad things happen to good people?

6. Live in the light. In her best George W. Bush impersonation, my mother once said to me, "You're an inspirator, not a negatator!" Develop your core of peace and happiness--it starts within. Then, as you move through life, you will inspire others simply by being a bright light in the world.

7. Awareness is key. Be the constant gardener of your thoughts and train them on the trellis of awareness. What you allow to take root in your mind will create unruly weeds or beautiful flowers. How does your garden grow?

What is the Power that Beats Your Heart?

A few weeks ago an announcement aired on every news station and media outlet across the nation: The United States economy "officially" is in a recession. That day, the stock market plunged—down 680 points—as people reacted with fear to the label “recession,” though we all knew that the economy was in jeopardy; it had been for quite some time. What is it about a “label” that makes us fear what we already know?

I laughed as I read the article on CNN Money, not because the state of our economy is laughable—no, indeed it needs help—but because of the predictable, fear-based response that is so common to the human condition.

Then I thought about Y2K—remember that? We all knew that the year 2000 would come. It was inevitable given the forward movement of time. Yet in the months, weeks and days leading up to the turn of this century, people scrambled to stockpile food, medicine and generators, move money around and get everything in order for the crash that would turn everything upside down come January 1, 2000.

Y2K was the hot topic of conversation. Analysts speculated on the expansive reach of the looming disaster—surely it would take over our banks and corporations, cities and states, even our traffic lights and microwaves, automobiles, computers and cell phones. Valuable television, radio and newspaper space was dedicated to the worst case scenario. Caught up in the rumor mill of disaster, people carried this information with them, repeating harsh predictions as fact, spending precious time talking, worrying and stressing about the impending crash over which they had little, if any, control.

We waited with baited breath as the New Year rolled in, surprised that virtually nothing changed. Well, maybe a few burps and hiccups along the way, but no “disaster.” And soon, the whole bit faded into our collective memory as if it never even happened.

And what about the Asian Bird Flu scare in 2005? Remember that one? People were frantic--stockpiling Tamiflu like the world was about to end, buying up gas masks and rolls of duct tape to seal off the windows of their homes, basically preparing for a new world order that would have us all walking around in protective body masks, no longer safe to breathe the air; meanwhile, creating a shortage in Tamiflu that could otherwise help people who actually needed it.

That fall, the sale of hand sanitizers increased tenfold. Government officials speculated on the capacity of our nation to meet the vaccination demands of a pandemic, while news channels reported facts and figures from epidemics past—polio, the plague, and let’s not forget cholera—filling the American people with fear and dread. All the while, rumors swirled that the avian flu was nothing more than a hoax designed to create panic and line the pockets of drug manufactuers. What's wrong with this picture? Are we that easily manipulated by fear?

Well, that was three years ago and I can’t recall the last time I heard anyone speak of it, much less get treated for it. And while, true, some unfortunate souls met their demise in the wings of Asian Bird Flu, life moved on—business as usual—and soon, it was all but forgotten.

Yet here we are again, reacting with fear to the news of the day: A depression may be close at hand—a forecast eagerly supported by fearful images of the 30’s. And, once again, we find people moving money around, stockpiling food, building fall-out shelters, pointing to the “End of Days” and prophecies from the Book of Revelations as the reason for our downfall, while dropping fear-based speculation as fact into nervous conversations with friends, family and co-workers . . . even strangers in line at the market. With this mindset, why would we ever get out of bed?

Have we learned nothing from the past?

I’m all about preparation; as a lawyer I’m trained for it. But consider the difference between preparation and a fear-induced, knee-jerk reaction.

At times our natural, instinctive fear kicks in—an internal warning device—to alert us to real danger or threat of physical harm: fight or flight. Sometimes that fear gets us moving in the right direction and out of harm’s way, like when a run-away truck is racing towards us with no brakes.

Other times, our intuition sends us early warnings--messages from the Universe in the form of persistent thoughts, signs or omens--that can be quite helpful if we're tuned into its wisdom, but fear almost always distorts our ability to discern the message.

With finances, there are real and necessary precautions that we can all take to protect ourselves when the economy is uncertain. Certainly, we can live within our means and structure our holdings to offer maximum protection before disaster strikes—preventive measures, if you will, that generally work best when thought of in advance, like getting your teeth cleaned twice a year.

But we cannot predict every bend in the road--we'll make ourselves crazy trying--so a bit of detachment goes a long way. Then, if disaster strikes, we do what we can to learn from the past, get creative and forge a new path ahead instead of clinging desperately to what was and making our misfortune the "story" we tell about who we are.

Yet when we’re running around reacting to this crazy brand of manufactured fear instead of responding to life, we limit our creative potential--that dynamic spirit within that guides us with supportive solutions--which operates best when fear is absent.

Think about it—everything we think, say or do will be motivated by love or fear. They cannot co-exist. All other emotions are borne from one of these two states. Just try to hold a loving thought and a fearful one at the same time. You can’t do it, can you?

Living with love means that we must eliminate the manufactured fear from our lives and get on with the business of loving--love as a state of awareness, a way of being in the world where we see ourselves as part of a greater plan and purpose, connected to everyone and everything and perfectly equipped to deal with the ever-changing tides of life.

Sure, protect yourself. Be smart. Plan ahead if you must, but do it from a space of love and absolute trust in your ability to handle whatever comes your way. Then let go. Opportunities exist at every turn to try something different and create a new reality, but you'll miss them if you're cowering in the corner with your gas mask, consumed with fears of your worst case scenario.

Either way, it’s a choice.

What is the power that beats your heart?