Coming to Terms

For the flower it is fully open at each step of its blossoming.

~ Mark Nepo

            I have a lot of freckles—I mean everywhere.  I have no idea where they all came from because they weren't there when I was born.  But there they are. 

          For most of my life I hated my freckles.  I dressed to conceal—a victim in my own skin—while all around me beautiful people with smooth, freckle-free skin, embraced the world in cute little dresses and sleeveless tops, showing as much skin as the law would allow.  I was too self-conscious to join them. 

Then one night at dinner, my friend Jonathan spotted a patch of freckles peeking from beneath my shirt sleeve.  “Le poins des carrot,” he mumbled to himself, running his finger over my freckled skin.  My French was rusty, but I could have sworn that he said, “The skin of the carrot?”  And he had. 

“When you see the orange skin of a healthy carrot, it is a beautiful thing—the color, the texture, its richness and vibrancy; the skin of the carrot is beauty itself.  It’s like that with freckles.  The French view them as a sign of great beauty.  And some cultures believe they’re a sign of great wealth.  Just think how lucky you are—beauty and wealth!”  He laughed, “This is your destiny!” 

And to think that all this time I had been trying to cover them up!  Yet with a simple shift in perspective all of a sudden I had the world on a string—beauty and wealth.  I laughed so hard I cried. 

My freckles looked different after that.  I studied them and patterns emerged like brilliant constellations in the night sky.   I had been an astronomy buff for years, could it be that my freckles weren’t so random after all?  “As above, so below,” they say.  And I laughed at the sense of humor displayed in all of creation. 

There are other things I’ve struggled to reconcile.  Like how hard I’ve had to work to find even the slightest measure of acceptance in my heart for an extremely difficult family situation; or my growing disillusionment with a long-held belief as I’ve watched its opposite unfold in the world around me; or perhaps, worse yet, the horrified amazement with which I have, at times, viewed my own life in hindsight as I see so clearly how I’ve gotten in my own way.  These are, perhaps, among the hardest parts to make peace with, especially when we consider how very different the outcome may have been if only we had done this or that.

We do ourselves a great disservice when we judge ourselves so harshly.  For aren’t we always where we need to be?  Perhaps that’s why they say that struggle is sometimes necessary but always optional.     

In the end, reconciliation is an inside job.  Without it, our contempt of a thing creates obstacles to our own happiness.  So we best make peace; learn how to soothe ourselves and move beyond the suffering in our lives.  Because when we are reconciled with that truth, all self-love and acceptance, there is freedom at last. 

Eat Your Peas: Simple Truths & Happy Insights

“Like the loving stitches of a quilt

you connect us to what matters.  Each other.

Our stories.  The heart of who we are.”

~ Cheryl Karpen

Years ago, my mother gave me a serving of peas.  Not the edible kind, but the inspirational kind printed on business-card-sized stock, with a stylish desk-top card display to serve-up these peas of wisdom. 

You are

Amazing,

Competent,

Strong

and

Beautiful,

it reminds me every time I sit down at my desk.   

And now there’s a serving of peas for Mom too!  Eat Your Peas for Mom is the newest in a series of books filled with simple truths and happy insights to nourish mind, heart and spirit.  In this 3-minute read, author Cheryl Karpen captures the unconditional essence of a mother’s love and offers a gift of gratitude from you to her in return.  It's the perfect little gift book for Mother's Day and a forever reminder of your love.

To learn more about Eat Your Peas for Mom and other titles, visit http://www.eatyourpeas.com/website/shoponline.htm.

Don't forget to eat your peas! 

Always Pearls...

 I’m a grain of sand becoming a pearl…

~Paula Cole

I remember it clearly, standing with my grandmother in her bedroom, looking through her closet for just the right dress—she would be burying her beloved of 60 years the next day—and she needed accessories to match.  

Later, as she sorted through her jewelry, fingering chains and broaches, she pulled an item from the wooden box with a delicate hand.  “There are always pearls…” she said softly, almost childlike, as she slipped the strand around her neck and smiled in front of the mirror. 

I’ve thought a lot about that moment in the three years since.  So many things have changed the landscape of all that I once knew.  Still, the wisdom of her choice lives on, for, indeed, no matter the circumstance, there are always pearls. 

Consider the way of a pearl.  It’s this hard object produced within the soft tissue of a living cell, borne from a set of circumstances where an intruder has slipped through a crack in the shell causing great irritation to the soft underbelly of the mollusk.  Rather than dying from this irritant, the mollusk forms a sac of tissue and secretes a concoction of calcium and such to soften the rough spot.  Yet through this process of repeated irritation and secretion, an incredible jewel emerges, valued all the more for its wild beauty.

We’re not so different, really, when we allow the small and buried irritants of life to open the cracks in our hearts wider still, transmuting our grief, sadness and doubt into great pearls of wisdom.  This powerful process is but one of the many reminders of how we may transform what seems most dark and unknowable within us into a polished light of beauty and promise to the world—that all has a place and meaning in the greater scheme of things. 

It’s not by chance that life so imitates nature, and in fully living we soon discover there are always pearls.

_______________________________

This article is dedicated to my Grandfather, Karl Mason (April 9, 1919 - July 17, 2008).  Shine on.

Learning to Fly

In a sky full of people only some want to fly…

Isn’t that crazy?

~Seal, Crazy

My friend Doug is a brilliant aerospace engineer.  For a while now he’s been working on a project to design the wings for an unmanned helicopter.  Last year, while on a white water rafting trip in the Pacific Northwest, our conversation turned to the science and art of flight as I asked him about the down-and-dirty process of wing design.

He explained that if the wings are too stiff, the plane will shake itself apart and break.  On the other hand, if too flexible, the wings will oscillate so much that the aircraft won’t fly.  “You have to create the right balance,” he said as he went on to explain some of the design issues unique to his project.  And I laughed at his unintentional analogy.

For like these aeronautical creations, we, too, face the risk of breaking when we approach life with such rigidity that we can’t withstand a harsh shaking from the winds of change, and yet if we are too flexible in our thinking and doing we may never take flight, instead just spinning around in the unrealized possibilities of living.

And so we are called to balance mind-body-spirit, generally, in work and play; calibrating the expression of masculine and feminine energies within us; aligning the wisdom of head and heart when discerning our best path forward; and balancing the need for togetherness with autonomy within the context of our most important relationships.  In many ways, every day, we are called to harmonize the issues of our Self.   

In this we strengthen our wings and learn to fly. 

Where does your life now call for more balance?

No Ordinary Art

We do not see things as they are.

We perceive them as we are.

~The Talmud



Jagger Rock (c) 2011.

There was an Italian farmer who lived in the Tuscan countryside. He had only his son to help him with the many chores attendant to farming. One day while out riding his horse, the son fell and broke his leg, leaving him bedridden and of no help to his father. “Oh no!” said the farmer, disappointed with his son’s carelessness. “This is bad! Who will help me milk the cows and tend the crops? This will surely bring ruin to our family.”

The next day, the general of the Italian military came by on horseback, looking for all able-bodied young men to take into battle. Because his leg was broken the General passed over the farmer’s son, leaving him to his bed rest. “Oh, yes!” said the farmer, “This is good . . . this is very good, indeed. Now my son will live.” And before long, the son’s leg had healed and he was back to work, helping tend the farm.

The parable of the Italian farmer is helpful in understanding that things are not always as they at first seem. Learning to remain open and fluid like water is no ordinary art.  But if we can temporarily suspend our judgment about what's going on around us, especially when in the midst of things, we may find that we've lost nothing by considering another possibility, yet what we've gained is great indeed.

Sit quietly and contemplate a time in your life where once you were convinced that a certain event was to your detriment, only later to discover its blessing.  Recall the moment that revealed the lesson.

What in your life now calls for a second look?

As you breathe, give thanks for your choice of perception.

Straight From the Heart

The heart of the wise instructs his mouth

and adds persuasiveness to his lips.

(Proverbs 16:23)



Imagine that for one week your conversations with others were secretly recorded in high-definition video; then, later, you were led into a viewing room with surround sound where you were forced to bear witness to yourself. At the end of the day, how would you feel? Relaxed and understood? Impressed with your stellar communication skills? Troubled by the way you come across? Embarrassed? Ashamed? Misunderstood?

Your words are a very good indication

of what is going on in your heart.

~Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

An interesting point to ponder, I think, as we make our way through the day-to-day world of relationships where communication is everything. For there’s no doubt that the way we communicate opens a window to our soul for all to see, an idea reinforced in his book “Love and Respect for a Lifetime,” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

The good news is that we're not stuck! Unlike our height or the color of our eyes, we can make conscious and gradual changes in the way that we relate to each other and up our happiness quotient in the process. Whether we find ourselves in constant conflict with others wondering why we’re so misunderstood or we simply want to sharpen our skills, with a commitment to clear communication, peaceful resolution of conflict, and a few simple tricks of the trade, we can transform the way we express ourselves.

In his companion guide for couples, Dr. Eggerichs takes a closer look at what it means to “love and respect” and the deeper yearnings of the heart. He says:

“Men and women both need love

and both need respect.

But the cry from a woman’s deepest soul

is to be loved

and the cry from a man’s deepest soul

is to be respected.”

From there he distinguishes the crucial differences between men and women and the way we love and communicate with each other. Perhaps “love your wife” and “respect your husband” makes you bristle with inequality. I admit to a bit of bristling myself as I read these words. In fact, that verse in the Bible (Ephesians 5:33) always felt to me like it was written by men for the benefit of men. But getting behind the words and understanding the deeper meaning of what “respect” looks and feels like to a man and what makes a woman feel “love” is a necessary step in getting the love we want.

“No matter what your struggle—

criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words—

learning to communicate the Love and Respect way

can help you make crucial changes…”

~Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

“Love and Respect for a Lifetime” is a quick read and makes for a thought-provoking bedside or coffee-table guide for reflection. Blending related scripture with everyday tips for heart-felt communication, it is a gentle yet effective reminder to be mindful of how we express our truth, with suggestions for making our relationships better.

And while this book was borne from Dr. Eggerichs’ work as a pastor and couples counselor as an inspirational guide for improving and sustaining marriage relationships, I suggest that there is wisdom within its pages for us all; for understanding what motivates others is an important tool in reaching across the table and communicating with anyone—friends, colleagues and lovers alike.

And for my loyal readers a special Valentine’s Day treat—I am giving away a copy of Dr. Eggerichs’ new book. Simply post a comment to this blog entry with your favorite tip or technique for heart-centered communication (or send me an e-mail at melissajesq@gmail.com) and have your name entered in the drawing for a chance to win! (Please make sure I have contact information for you in case you’re the winner.) The drawing will take place on Monday, February 14, 2011.

As we celebrate this month of love, I wish you all clear communiqués, heart-centered connections and peaceful relations.

ROOTS

When solving problems,

dig at the roots instead of just hacking at the leaves.

~Anthony J. D’Angelo

Wild Weeds.  MJohnson  © 2009.

I’ve learned a lot about life by working in my yard. For instance, here in my mountain community great emphasis is placed on keeping things in their natural state. Aside from the main roads, very few surfaces are paved. Instead, roads and driveways are formed with packed sand and gravel.

Likewise, my back patio was designed to be gentle to the land, created from large slabs of flagstone that fit together like puzzle pieces with tiny pebbles in between, rather than grout or cement. The downside to this design reveals itself in the warmer months when I am faced with a mass of unruly weeds, awkwardly sprouting between the stones.

At first I went on a weed-pulling frenzy, bent over for hours as I pulled and tugged at the stalks of things I couldn’t define. After a while, my back hurt and my hands were tired, so I settled for the appearance of no weeds; I wanted to have my friends over for a fabulous party on the patio. At that point, I started grabbing handfuls of weeds, pulling wildly as I went for a quick-fix to the problem. A quick-fix it was not, for within two weeks those pesky weeds were back—thicker and stronger than ever—and, once again, I found myself slumped over for hours pulling them from the ground.

The next spring, older and wiser, I decided to take a different approach. Armed with a variety of earth-digging apparatus, I settled in for an afternoon of weed pulling, moving methodically between the stones, taking my time, digging deep into the earth to get to the root. It took me most of the day, but that season I only pulled weeds twice.

I thought it was a done deal. Imagine my surprise to see new weeds sprouting the next spring. My effort to get to the root wasn’t deep enough, and failed to take into account the many branching veins and structures supporting their unruly growth. This time, armed with an animal-friendly weed killer, I made a cocktail strong enough to take them all down, gently pouring the mixture between the stones in an effort to eradicate them forever. That year, I only pulled weeds once. Now it’s all about maintenance.

My experience with weeds—as difficult and frustrating as it was—gave me great insight into the depth of human nature and the truth of effective problem-solving. All of life, every creation, every problem, everything we think, say or do can be traced to the fundamental core from which it grew. When we ignore the root, we miss an opportunity for greater understanding, and without understanding we cannot possibly hope to solve the problem in a meaningful way.

So it is with social justice. When dealing with the great issues of our time, especially in this “day of the non-profit,” where giving is seen as fashionable among the “haves,” the first thing we should do is ask: What’s really going on here? Then start digging at the roots. That’s what many of the great charitable organizations are trying to do, often in tandem with offers of temporary relief.

But simply throwing money at a problem or attempting to lift people out of their problems without more—understanding why it persists or requiring some form of self-help from the receiver while sharing critical tools for future problem-solving (“teach a man to fish…”and such)—is no better than hacking at the leaves of pesky weeds.

Some criminal and civil justice systems have been examining their roots as well, evolving toward a more holistic approach to problem-solving, albeit slowly at times. Rather than moving forward in a strictly adversarial way, restorative justice is a unique approach to law—a social movement, really—that focuses on the needs of the victims, offenders and the communities affected by their actions; digging deep to uncover root issues and bring forth peaceful approaches to harm, problem-solving and violations of legal and human rights.

After all, if the root problem that led an offender to commit burglary is her drug addiction, simply throwing her in prison in an effort to punish and exact revenge does nothing to address the underlying issue of addiction and its psychological cousins. In this way, a restorative justice approach demands compassion—a willingness for those harmed to see beyond their anger and grief and cooperate in arriving at a peaceful solution that considers the safety and dignity of all—together with the offender’s commitment not only to repair the harm done, but to eradicate the root that led to the crime or civil malfeasance in the first place.

Examples abound; because in the end, everything has a root. So do we.  And we must go there to understand what keeps us grounded—for good or ill—for it will determine much about the direction of our growth.

___________________________

By  Melissa Johnson; © 2010.  All rights reserved worldwide.  

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